Lisa Tetreault, LMHC

By Lisa Tetreault, LMHC

I like to educate my clients on the detriments of judgment because I feel that it can affect the quality of our lives. Let’s face it, we all judge. The goal is to be mindful enough to catch ourselves and reframe and have empathy. I find that the more we judge, the more we fear judgment. We all like to think that others think as we do and when they don’t we say, “Why don’t they think like me?” If we think that others think like us and we are judgmental, then we may tend to assume that others are also judging us! I also see a correlation between judgment and self-judgment. Judgment is not beneficial and sometimes it leads to holding grudges and you know what they say about that! ie “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” The other person is usually not affected and we end up being poisoned. This can affect our health and the quality of our lives. Remember, there is a fine line between judgment and acknowledging what you don’t like and on that fine line is empathy. We are all flawed humans doing the best we can so try to have the empathy you would hope for from others. There is no empathy in judgment. So, if you catch yourself judging, mentally tell yourself to erase it. It is always your prerogative to choose with whom you want to spend your time. Choose wisely. Your vibe attracts your tribe.

Emotional Buttons from Our Past

We are all products of our childhoods and what has happened to us up until now. Our memories of past events can leave us with “buttons” that are easily pushed. For example, the child whose teacher told him he was stupid might have developed a “hot button” about his intellect. Even though he now realizes that he is an intelligent adult, when someone calls him stupid today, it presses that button that causes emotional feelings and possible defensiveness and self doubt.

So what can be done now that we realize that we are covered in these unwanted buttons? I have created an acronnym that I call the BLT. When something happens that you think shouldn’t bother you as much as it does, it’s probably one of these buttons from your past. If you are ready to work on navigating around these buttons more easily, try my BLT Method.

B is for Button; take a “mindful” step back and say, “Why is this bugging me so much?” It’s not such a big deal!

L is for Lesson; once you get insight into your buttons, you can go from button to lesson pretty fast ie “what have I learned from this, what am I learning from this or is it possible that I am going to learn something from this in the future?” The lesson from the example above may be that he has learned he is smart and that teacher was inappropriate.

T is for Triumph (or Transition); this is the hardest part of the BLT because I am again asking you to transition to thinking something positive during an event that you don’t like and don’t want. I believe that we can triumph over the negativity and train our brains to go more and more quickly to a positive thought ie what you want, like or what you’re grateful for to prevent yourself from going down that slippery slope of negativity.

Some people have very deep seated buttons that may require reprocessing via EMDR. (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) or EFT Tapping. Both of them are great “button erasers!” You can learn more about these techniques from the modalities page of my website or give me a call at (954) 821-7127.

Lisa Tetreault, LMHC

I was watching Shawn Achor, author of “The Happiness Advantage, on Oprah’s “Super Soul Sunday” show who was saying many things that I have said to my clients ie Science, Psychology and Spirituality are all saying the same thing in different words! Religion and Spirituality have always been recommending love and gratitude for a happier life. Now the sciences are getting on board with this school of thought.

When we come from love, instead of ego, and are grateful for what we have in our lives, we are happier. This is the way of thinking for most religious and spiritual people but it is also recommended in Psychology. Cognitive Therapy is probably the most common modality in psychological treatment today. Cognitive Therapy is changing the way that you think by rewriting your story and interpreting your life in a positive light. This will probably result in more happiness and improved mental health. Positive Psychology is recommending less judgment and more gratitude, forgiveness and separating from others’ behaviors/words and avoid depending on others for your happiness and self worth. We are all responsible for our own happiness which brings me to Co-Dependency.

Many people think that Co-Dependency means you are too dependent on others but this is not the whole definition. People that exhibit co-dependent behavior do depend on others but mostly for them to define their self worth. People pleasing is a co-dependent behavior. When you say, “yes” when you mean “no,” you are not being your authentic self. When I ask clients why they say “yes” even at the expense of their own mental health, they usually respond that, “People won’t like me if I say, “no.” They explain that if someone doesn’t like them, they have no self worth. Allowing others to define your self worth is giving away your power and setting you up for a fall later. Why would you choose to spend time with people that only like you when you say “yes” to them?

Now Science is weighing in on happiness. Researchers are studying brain activity and changes and are finding physiological evidence that the way we think and respond to life and others affects our physical health. Studies are showing that meditation and positive thinking can improve your physical health despite your DNA and predisposition to certain illnesses via your genes.

So when studying the path to Happiness via your spiritual beliefs, your mental health, or your medical/physical health, you will eventually come to the same conclusion; LOVE. When you love yourself, you take better care of yourself and are happier. This in turn creates the desire to show love to others which continues that happiness cycle. Maybe the Hippies were on to something after all?

The chances of trying something new or going after our dreams is connected to how we feel about ourselves. The quality of our lives may depend on how we see ourselves.

If we allow others to define our self worth, we are giving away our power by depending on others to determine whether we are likable, lovable, desirable, intelligent, attractive, etc. The problem with this is that when we are alone or not in a romantic relationship, we cannot trust our own judgment to determine our own self worth. If a relationship doesn’t work out, we would then blame our flaws on the break up.

So how can we begin to work on raising our self esteem? Here are some simple ways to begin:

1. Authenticity – Have the courage to be yourself. This is the only way you will find out who likes you for you. If you have to pretend around someone hoping they’ll like you, don’t waste your time. It’s exhausting and you’ll never find out who your true friends are.
2. Judgment – Once you stop judging, you probably won’t fear judgment or judge yourself harshly anymore. Try to limit your time with negative, critical and gossipy people.
3. Self Talk – We must be aware of our self talk. If we constantly berate ourselves for not being perfect, we cannot work on our self esteem. We must learn how to love ourselves and speak to ourselves as we would to a child or someone we love.
4. Helping Others – When we help others, we stop ruminating on our dissatisfactions and feel good about ourselves which in turn helps us raise our self esteem. Let others help you too so that they may have the same opportunity to feel good about themselves.

-Lisa Tetreault, LMHC

It’s nice to want to please others and do nice things for them, but making other people’s moods more important than our own can become troubling.  Unless we are speaking of a dependent child, we are not responsible for others’ happiness. Each of us has a specific job in life and it is learning how to make ourselves happy and hopefully finding one’s life’s purpose. So why do so many people feel the need to ignore their desires to appease others?

Sometimes it’s the message you got growing up ie “selfishness is evil”, “your parents are always right,” “you are not allowed to disappoint others especially your parents”, etc. But some selfishness can be a good thing. If you don’t choose yourself first, you will stuff your feelings and say yes when you mean no. This can lead to resentment and affect your mental and physical health; when you’re not healthy, you can’t help anyone.

If you have to disappoint someone, it is up to them to know how to cope with the situation. It’s hardest having to disappoint your parents. When growing up, you are told to respect them and take their word as gospel. It feels uncomfortable when you become an adult and this shift in perspective occurs.

Lovingly advise them, “I have to say no this time,” and you will find a sense of relief to advocate for yourself.

Remember, “You don’t have to light yourself on fire to keep others warm!”

Lisa Tetreault, LMHC

Many people think they will be happy when they get that job, car, house, partner, etc but happiness continues to be elusive and the way to happiness seems to always be put off down the road.

Some people think if they move and start over somewhere new they will finally be happy. Unfortunately, wherever you go, you bring yourself. If you are not happy “here,” chances are you won’t be happy “there.” Happiness comes from inside out, not the other way around.

The way you think creates your life. The way you interpret what is happening around you will have a direct effect on your mood. Self talk has a lot of influence on how you feel about your life. Some people do not even realize that they have self talk or that it is negative. Some people run all day and night in an attempt to avoid being alone with their thoughts so they can just collapse in exhaustion by the end of the night. This is why they are not aware of any “self talk” or “inner dialog.”

Why is self talk so important and what is it? It’s our running dialog in our heads (although as I get older it is often spoken aloud.) lol Let’s face it, if you are constantly remarking on the things that you don’t want and don’t like and continually criticize yourself for your imperfections, you’re bound to become sad and maybe even depressed. Sometimes that critical voice in your head is actually very similar to the voice of a hard to please parent from childhood. It’s time to forgive yourself for being flawed. After all, it is your flaws that make you human and endear you to others.

I would recommend finding the best time of day to concentrate on what you like, want and hope for. The secret to happiness is gratitude so try to think about all the positives in your life and the things that you are grateful for. Allow yourself to feel your feelings and listen to your thoughts . You can call it meditation, mindfulness, or your happiness ritual but I believe you will have a better day and quality of life.

Lisa Tetreault, LMHC