It’s nice to want to please others and do nice things for them, but making other people’s moods more important than our own can become troubling.  Unless we are speaking of a dependent child, we are not responsible for others’ happiness. Each of us has a specific job in life and it is learning how to make ourselves happy and hopefully finding one’s life’s purpose. So why do so many people feel the need to ignore their desires to appease others?

Sometimes it’s the message you got growing up ie “selfishness is evil”, “your parents are always right,” “you are not allowed to disappoint others especially your parents”, etc. But some selfishness can be a good thing. If you don’t choose yourself first, you will stuff your feelings and say yes when you mean no. This can lead to resentment and affect your mental and physical health; when you’re not healthy, you can’t help anyone.

If you have to disappoint someone, it is up to them to know how to cope with the situation. It’s hardest having to disappoint your parents. When growing up, you are told to respect them and take their word as gospel. It feels uncomfortable when you become an adult and this shift in perspective occurs.

Lovingly advise them, “I have to say no this time,” and you will find a sense of relief to advocate for yourself.

Remember, “You don’t have to light yourself on fire to keep others warm!”

Lisa Tetreault, LMHC